It's time

I had an unpleasant realization the other day. My friend Kerri Ann came over so I could sign her kids' passport applications, and I was excited to fill out forms. That's it. I need to go back to work. Part of it is that the summer is waning and as someone who spent roughly twenty four years in school, I always feel the urge to sign up for classes and buy school supplies in August. Part of it is also that as Hannah gets more mobile and interesting and sleeps less, I have less time to blog. Part of it is also guilt that I still have not finished THE EXPERIMENT THAT WILL NOT DIE!! But the biggest part is that though I love my little girl, I'm getting bored. I'm sorry Hannah. I love you dearly. But spending most of every day in the house is making me a little bit batty.

The poor girl. During a raucous exploration of the fun of ripping paper, she pulled a page out of a magazine, and then tried to put it back. I explained to her that she couldn't put a page back that has been ripped out, because time is unidirectional, and that entropy increases without an input of energy. Entropy is the force of disorder, much like Hannah. In her book Busy Bee and Friends she got a lecture on how Coleopterans are the most taxonomically diverse group of invertebrates on the planet, and that during the Carboniferous era dragon flies ruled the skies, at least as far as insects are concerned. And finally, I let her know that pears are gritty because they are full of sclerids, a cell type with very thick and jagged cell walls. The worst part? I learned all this so long ago I can't remember if all this is correct or not. Be sure to let me know.

I come by this earnest nerdiness honestly. Some of my earliest memories of conversations with my dad including an explanation of the speed of light and its implications for time travel. He encouraged me from a young age to become a marine biologist, read about biology and physics, and discuss anything nerdy. Because to us, the nerdy things are important.

So here I am now, nine months into a decidedly non-nerdy time. It's been WONDERFUL. Hannah is a bright, extraordinarily happy and delightful little girl, and watching her go from a largely unresponsive infant to a little person is fascinating. The cupboards and closets are organized, the spare room decorated, and I have planted a vegetable and shade garden. I've started this blog, and published the last paper from my PhD, and submitted freelance articles to a few different outlets.

But now, I'm done. My domestic chores are suffering: the lawn is getting long and I haven't made baby food in weeks. Readers, I am BORED.

I worry, of course, about putting Hannah in daycare. Before her birth she was put on numerous waiting lists for day cares and it's a gut-wrenching and nerve-wracking decision to make. But unlike a lot of women I don't worry about how having a working mother will affect her. My mother worked our whole lives, and gave my sister and I an increased independence and drive to have our own careers. I always felt that if you tell your little girl that she can be all she wants to be, then it's also imperative that you live that message yourself - regardless of whether your dream is to be a CEO or a stay-at-home mom.

Kismet intervened in my life, as it so often does, as I was reading the Globe and Mail the other day. There was an article by Leah McLaren on guilt in working mothers. She references a 2009 study looking at outcomes of children of working mothers (Joshi et al. 2009. Combining Child Rearing With Work: Do Maternal Employment Experiences Compromise Child Development? CLS Working Paper 2009/1). In particular the authors were interested in whether the intensity of the mother's work, during the second half of the first year of the child's life, affected the development of children's cognitive ability. In short, working mothers did not have intellectually or emotionally stunted children. They were fine. I don't find it surprising, and I don't think that the mothers I know, working and not, find it surprising either. There are many ways to raise a happy, healthy child, and the happiness of the mother is hugely important.

So it's going to be an interesting week for this new mom: I'm supposed to meet with my old bosses to discuss a return to work, and I also had a job interview for a position in a biotech company. It has felt wonderful, talking science again, even if it took me about 10 minutes to remember the phrase "optimal foraging." My blissful first year as a mom is entering its last quarter, and now I'm starting to have to reconcile the personal and professional sides of me. Things are going to get interesting, but I'm looking forward to a bit more balance. And I think Hannah, who really just wants to play, will be looking forward to a break from the lectures from mom too.