Running and Beer

It's been ONE OF THOSE WEEKS. One of those weeks where I take care of my darling little girl all day, then put her to bed, then drive 30 minutes to my old lab to finish up THE EXPERIMENT THAT WILL NOT DIE. (Did I finish it? No. Do I want to talk about it? No.) Then I get home and my darling little girl decides that sleeping even for 5 hours straight is for CHUMPS and she will wake up multiple times tonight, thank you. The kind of week where my parents flew to Palm Springs and I volunteered to watch their puppy with bladder control issues, Stanley. And my dog, Stella, goes on a hunger strike. (Given their names, it's not a surprise that he's a bully. But I really wonder if this is what Tennessee Williams had in mind.)

It was the kind of week that by the time Thursday rolled around, I really dawdled getting ready to go to the lab. Then I looked out the window, and saw that it was snowing. SNOWING. IN THE LAST WEEK OF MAY. That's when I had what I like to call a "fuck this" moment, got a beer, and sat down to enjoy the evening.

Of course, that night Hannah did not want to sleep and the next morning Stanley wanted to be up early, so by Friday noon the cranky factor was on high. Therefore I decided to meet my friend Jaime at the mall for a coffee and maybe to yell at some Telus employees. I treated myself to a nice coffee, wandered through the bookstore, and put my hand casually on the stroller handle, where I felt something weird.

Before I go on I should explain that our house is small and full of baby stuff at the moment. Also, Brian is developing our basement so there is not a lot of room for storage. I have become uncharacteristically frustrated with the clutter so the stroller has been spending a few evenings outside, on the deck. In fact it had been outside all night before. You might see where this is going.

Back to my idyllic afternoon in the bookstore. I put my hand on the handlebar of the stroller and felt something weird. I looked down, and IT WAS A SPIDER!! Okay, if you know me, you know that I. Do. Not. Like. Bugs. However, they seem to like me. When I was in Michigan it was only when my roommate was away that the centipedes came out to drink from my apple juice. So when I saw this spider did I jump into action to save my infant daughter? No. Sadly, I swore. A lot. And colourfully. And then - and this is the worst part - got a stranger to flick the spider off my stroller.

New motherhood low. Hannah thought it was hilarious. The only thing to do in such a situation - a week of frustration, dog pee and finally humiliation in the mall, is continue shopping, then go home, go for a run, and start drinking beer. Hope Hannah likes formula tonight.

Maybe this work thing isn't so bad......

It's been a rough week for the science/mom interface. I've passed the six month mark, which I had decided while pregnant was when I thought I would definitely be ready to go back to work. I thought, ok, I can probably stand to stay home every day for six months! No more!

Turns out, I'm enjoying this dream state of new motherhood. The rhythm of Hannah's naps and meal times, hearing all her cute noises, and selfishly making sure I'm her most favorite person in the world. I'm enjoying having time to explore creative projects that I never could have before - the elaborate meals (succotash!), the interior decorating projects (the guest room!), and not least of which, this blog.

Science is a bitch of a mistress. She's fickle, mean, and likes to tease. She gives you delightful ideas, promising pilot experiments, then power failures for the big experiments. She gives you uninterpretable data, then when you finally do submit papers for publication, she gives you dick head reviewers, political decision making and slow deadlines. And this is if you manage to have a position from which you can enjoy these aspects of the job. As a postdoc, I am constantly worrying about new sources of funding and about whether I will have a job. And if I do have a job, it's borderline as to whether my position will pay enough to justify the expenditure on day care. AND, if I reach the holy grail of a faculty post, then I just get to start worrying about grants and keeping all my students, postdocs and technicians employed.

So why, why do I do this to myself? I'm not exaggerating to say that every six months or so I burst into tears and apply for crap jobs in the oil and gas industry. I remain a scientist because like a rat in a cage, I am addicted to the irregular payoff. I remember my PhD supervisor telling me that if you train a rat to hit a lever, and it gives him a reward every time, then the rat will get bored and stop hitting it. If, however, the rat gets rewards at unpredictable intervals, the rat gets addicted. It may be the basis of gambling behaviour. And is also the reason that we remain scientists.

Last week was a typical scientific rollercoaster. On Monday I learned that my favorite prof at the UofC does not have the money to hire me as a postdoc right now, so I remain unemployed. On Thursday, I learned that a paper I submitted a month after Hannah was born was accepted to BMC Systems Biology. This experiment was my favorite from my PhD and I was pretty proud that I managed to get it through the pipeline during my maternity leave. AND THEN, I got an email from my other favorite prof at the UofC asking me to meet later this week. Is there a possibility of work there? I don't know. Do I want it? I also don't know.

Meanwhile, an article I submitted to the blog carnival All Things Eco was accepted (do they accept them all? I can't help but wonder!!!) and there are some interesting articles in this issue: http://focusorganic.com/all-things-eco-blog-carnival-volume-ninety-nine/

So, whether I return to science, like a beaten wife, convinced that this time it will be different, or indulge in my fantasy of being a writer or interior designer with no training or track record is an open question! I will keep you posted.

Welcome to the Jungle

It’s been a thrill for the last five months. I have entered into that adventure that has driven countless other women to blogging – motherhood – and, like them, am looking for an outlet that validates my obsession that is my new daughter. I was going to call this the Obnoxious Mommy Blogger, but it looks like something similar has been taken. Instead I will also occasionally blog about the other topic that occupies my life – science, specifically biology. It’s a crazy balance, trying to be a scientist and a mom, especially at this stage of my career, so let’s all enjoy the rollercoaster together, shall we?

I was working as a postdoctoral researcher in experimental evolution in a spectacular lab in the United States, when Oops! made her presence known the night of my engagement. Who, you ask, does a pregnancy test the night they get engaged? Yes, that’s right, I have a spectacular talent for bad timing. And who, you ask, names their baby bump Oops!? What can I say? It stuck. I’ll not get into the details, but this sudden development required not only the postponement of the wedding (I’ll not look bloated in my wedding dress, thank you) but the search for a new job. The United States has its advantages, not the least of which is bad Mexican food and undercooked hamburgers for a reasonable price, but maternity benefits is not one of them. So I finished up experiments as fast as my mounting nausea and failing attention span would allow, and flew home.

The first few months of motherhood have been wonderful, like floating in a dream – my baby, now named Hannah, is a sweet, bright, glorious little girl, with lots of smiles and a propensity for chatter. My white shepherd, Stella, loves her, and my fiancé, Brian, is a loving and fantastic father. But it’s not easy to switch off the career drive, and I feel my expensively educated brain is starting to wonder if it can switch off completely and go back to picking new drapes for the master bedroom. Although, I could quite easily spend another career picking drapes for others, but that’s another story. The point is, while the conflict between career and motherhood is hardly unexplored territory, it strikes a chord for so many, and I guarantee, it never stops being entertaining, if nothing else.