It's been a rough week for the science/mom interface. I've passed the six month mark, which I had decided while pregnant was when I thought I would definitely be ready to go back to work. I thought, ok, I can probably stand to stay home every day for six months! No more!
Turns out, I'm enjoying this dream state of new motherhood. The rhythm of Hannah's naps and meal times, hearing all her cute noises, and selfishly making sure I'm her most favorite person in the world. I'm enjoying having time to explore creative projects that I never could have before - the elaborate meals (succotash!), the interior decorating projects (the guest room!), and not least of which, this blog.
Science is a bitch of a mistress. She's fickle, mean, and likes to tease. She gives you delightful ideas, promising pilot experiments, then power failures for the big experiments. She gives you uninterpretable data, then when you finally do submit papers for publication, she gives you dick head reviewers, political decision making and slow deadlines. And this is if you manage to have a position from which you can enjoy these aspects of the job. As a postdoc, I am constantly worrying about new sources of funding and about whether I will have a job. And if I do have a job, it's borderline as to whether my position will pay enough to justify the expenditure on day care. AND, if I reach the holy grail of a faculty post, then I just get to start worrying about grants and keeping all my students, postdocs and technicians employed.
So why, why do I do this to myself? I'm not exaggerating to say that every six months or so I burst into tears and apply for crap jobs in the oil and gas industry. I remain a scientist because like a rat in a cage, I am addicted to the irregular payoff. I remember my PhD supervisor telling me that if you train a rat to hit a lever, and it gives him a reward every time, then the rat will get bored and stop hitting it. If, however, the rat gets rewards at unpredictable intervals, the rat gets addicted. It may be the basis of gambling behaviour. And is also the reason that we remain scientists.
Last week was a typical scientific rollercoaster. On Monday I learned that my favorite prof at the UofC does not have the money to hire me as a postdoc right now, so I remain unemployed. On Thursday, I learned that a paper I submitted a month after Hannah was born was accepted to BMC Systems Biology. This experiment was my favorite from my PhD and I was pretty proud that I managed to get it through the pipeline during my maternity leave. AND THEN, I got an email from my other favorite prof at the UofC asking me to meet later this week. Is there a possibility of work there? I don't know. Do I want it? I also don't know.
Meanwhile, an article I submitted to the blog carnival All Things Eco was accepted (do they accept them all? I can't help but wonder!!!) and there are some interesting articles in this issue: http://focusorganic.com/all-things-eco-blog-carnival-volume-ninety-nine/
So, whether I return to science, like a beaten wife, convinced that this time it will be different, or indulge in my fantasy of being a writer or interior designer with no training or track record is an open question! I will keep you posted.
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