MEN

At the risk of sounding trite, I really have to talk about how men aren't necessarily natural mothers. I mean, some are great. Well, all are great once they get a bit of practice in and stop being so afraid of the baby. And having said that, I needed a bit of practice and thought that I broke Hannah when she was a day old. (Her shoulders made a clicking noise! I thought I broke one!) But let's be honest, sometimes watching dad change a poopy diaper is pure comedy.

The topic came up when I was chatting with some friends. A good friend of mine was waiting anxiously to find out if her IVF treatment had worked, so was relaxing at home watching Baby Story. (Interesting aside to pregnant women out there - DON'T WATCH BABY STORY!!! When I was pregnant a male friend of mine asked if I watched it, so I tried, and in this particular episode a WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO TWINS IN HER KITCHEN!!! SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO GET HER PANTS DOWN! I threw up and stayed awake for three days.)

But I digress. In the episode that my friend was watching, the woman opted to have a water birth. Was there ever a nouveau hippie birthing innovation that teed up more one liners? I don't think so. I'm going to change their names for privacy, so let's call them Jenny and Ted.

Ted: Won't the baby drown?

Jenny: No, it's still attached to the umbilical cord.

Ted: Like baby scuba?

Oh, Ted. This is the same man who days earlier had asked how old babies are when they open their eyes. ("They're not kittens, Ted!!!") And who recently confidently asserted that babies can't feel the difference between hot and cold.

I don't mean to pick on Ted. He's not alone. When I first told a colleague that I was pregnant, it didn't immediately dawn on him that this meant that I would not be able to spend half the year in the states anymore. When I broke the news, he said "Can't you just put it in a carboard box with some lettuce?" Although, having said that, if lettuce keeps her occupied for more than five minutes, it might not be such a bad idea.

Even Brian, who has had seven, count them, SEVEN nieces and nephews and is a natural father, does things that drive me mental. QUIT LEAVING HER UNSUPERVISED ON THE COUCH! He's a lot more physical with Hannah than I am. He gives her the airplane rides, tickles, and pretend air tosses that terrify me. He'll pick her up by the sleeper with his teeth. And you know what, SHE LOVES IT. Is DELIGHTED! Boys naturally express their affection with roughhousing more than girls - ask my sister - her three year old Harrison just cracked the cartilege in her ribs by jumping on her for a cuddle. So maybe if they're not natural mothers, they're natural something else. So even if it means answering weird questions, you gotta let them do their thing.